I’m Not Ready For Christmas

It’s December 7 as I post this, but I can safely say that whenever you read it, I’m still not ready.

Wasn’t it just summer when I was worrying about buying a bathing suit?

Wasn’t it just Halloween and I was passing out packets of hyperactivity-producing goodies to cute little gremlins who seemed shocked when asked whether they wanted a trick or a treat? And then there was that Halloween party at the National Arts Club. (Hate Fall, Love Halloween ) Maybe having too much fun can actually alter your sense of time, make it fly or something.

But come on, aren’t we pushing this holiday thing earlier every year?

I got announcements for the Christmas Show at Radio City in May. The Holiday Fund in my building is already closed. The tree-lighting ceremony at Rockefeller Center is over. We’re still eating turkey sandwiches  — but quick! Throw out the pumpkins and get out the poinsettias. Before they’re sold out!

Too bad I can’t just decorate my apartment with all those colorful catalogs that clutter my mailbox, most of them from stores I will never, ever order from, in this or any other season. Hello! I’m five foot two and a female: stop sending me stuff from Big and Tall Men’s Sportswear.

What really gets to me is the “Last Minute Shopping Suggestions” that I got  — in October. Last minute! These people don’t know from last minute . . .

One year long ago when the world was new and I didn’t have so many obligations, I waited until December 24 (0 Shopping Dates Left to Christmas), went to B. Altmans (remember B. Altmans? So civilized) and bought something in red for everyone on my list: a red scarf, a red tie, red gloves, red slippers, a red address book.

It worked. These presents were just as well received as the ones I had agonized over in previous years (some worked, some didn’t), and it made a real statement when they were opened.

I wouldn’t dare wait so long now — or be so spontaneous. I’ll be busy cooking a big Italian dinner for my family on Christmas Eve. Besides, everyone has enough scarves, ties, gloves, slippers and address books — in red and every other color — to last a lifetime. You not only have to shop early and often, you have to be creative. I’ve got dozens of gifts to get, and no brilliant ideas. 

And is it just me, but don’t some of the Santas look a little funky this year?

Whatever. (Christmas) Time waits for no man — not even a woman around town, I am sad to say. So, no matter how cranky I could be if I wanted to . . . I am determined to be of good cheer.

Look on the bright side. It’s too early to start looking for a bathing suit. But if you want to remember real trauma, check that out in With A Thong In My Heart. It will make all your worries about the holidays dissolve like the New Year’s Resolutions you will never keep. You wanted to be naughty, anyway. Ho, ho, ho.