You Go, Guys!

Apr 18

I want a wedding. Not one of my own, silly. Been there (Finally!). Done that (Amen).
What I want is to be invited to a gay wedding. Soon. Adam and Steve: Are you listening?
I’m not kidding about this.
I have fantasies about gay weddings, especially between two guys.  I’m thinking really tasteful with all the perfect touches, like Charlotte’s in Sex and the City— but with more flair. Isn’t it ironic (not to mention romantic): gays out-traditionaling the traditionalists. I saw a photo of two grooms wearing white tuxes with pink shirts and ties. I may have the Wedding Bell Blues, but they were pink and white — and looked fabulous! I can only imagine the flowers and the table arrangements.

On the other hand . . . I hope that some of these weddings will be out-and-out outrageous—like the gay prom in Sex and the City. I want to get a taffeta dress from the thrift shop, with tulle maybe, get big hair, and wear too much makeup.

Ah, but perhaps I’m being too optimistic. Maybe gay weddings will turn out to be just like most heterosexual weddings: big, obscenely expensive, with music so loud you have to read lips to get through dinner. Oh, I hope not. But come on, let’s roll the dice on this one, folks. 
Make it legal! Let them eat wedding cake! If they have the bread, it could be a really great cake, with two grooms on the top and everything.

Of course, I may have to move to Iowa . . .

True, as we speak, Governor Patterson is trying to get a bill passed to legalize gay marriages in New York. But there’s those pesky Republicans and Others who are dead set against it.

Can you believe that Iowa is in the vanguard on this?  I should have known. When I went to Iowa City the first time, for a Nancy Drew convention of all things, being all jaded New Yorker, my first impression was, there’s no “there” there. Then I was introduced to the writers’ workshop at University of Iowa and saw that the “there” there was very interesting indeed.  I’m reading a terrific book, Home, by Pulitzer Prize winner Marilynne Robinson who teaches at the workshop.

And now it seems as if  the whole state has it straight, so to speak. And we thought that a big night In Iowa consisted of listening to the corn grow. Apparently, not true. By the way, did you know that you actually can listen to the corn grow? It has periods when it grows really, really fast, usually at night, I think, in mating season or something, and the leaves or husks, or whatever they’re called (Hey! I’m a city girl) make rustling noises as they shoot up. Cool, huh.

Meanwhile, back in the Big Apple, I can’t imagine why anyone is opposed to same sex marriages. People used to go around saying that all homosexuals were promiscuous. Some (who shall remain nameless) even believed that AIDS was retribution from God for all this carrying on. Now these very same people are morally offended about same-sex marriages. Hello? Marriage implies (although it does not always deliver on) commitment and fidelity. What DO these people want?

It’s not like you’re going to change the facts: there have always been homosexuals who walk among us, maybe even before we were actually able to wallk (Upright Man, also known as homo erectus.) I’ts probably around 10 per cent of the population, although I hear higher estimates, mostly from my gay friends. But say it’s 10 per cent: that means that one out of ten people you know are gay, unless you live in San Francisco, where all bets are off, or in one of the places that have less than 10 per cent because most of the gay population has fled to San Francisco. Whatever.

The point is that everyone has gays in their lives, And some of these people want to get married, for Pete’s —I dare not say heaven’s—sake. What is the big deal? They’re already living together and perhaps even adopting children. So why the fuss about that “little piece of paper” our boyfriends used to tell us was so unimportant.

But of course,  it is a big deal. I personally was made to feel the least little bit guilty about living with someone (no one actually says “in sin” anymore, do they?) rather than getting that “little piece of paper.” So I was being subtly pressured into getting married, but gays are being discouraged, to put it mildly.  Why exactly? Because it will destroy the sanctity of marriage? Pul-leeze. New flash: there’s a fifty percent divorce rate and a lot of adultery going on. Could gays do any worse?

If it makes you feel any better, I finally did get married. Again. (That’s another story, which you could check out in Confessions of An Encore Bride  if you’re so inclined.) We didn’t do it sooner for a complicated set of reasons, mostly that we were superstitious and were afraid it would Change Things. (It did: it got nicer.) After 19 years, we were fully committed, rather like the reservations clerk at a crowded restaurant or the inmates of a mental institution, but not married. Just shacking up, which no one says anymore either.

But when we were good and ready, we did it. And why shouldn’t gays? I’ll bet they could screw it up as badly as heteros have. Besides the superstition thing, another reason my mate and I did not get officially hitched sooner is the number (a staggering 6!) of previous marriages we had between the two of us before we finally found each other. Could gays do any worse?

So You Go, Guys! And girls, too, of course. Which is implied in the generic “guys.” Got it? Please don’t nail me for being politically incorrect. Remember, “girls” is iffy, too. And You Go, Women! just doesn’t cut it as a slogan. You Go, Ladies? I think not.

The reason I haven’t talked about weddings between two women is that I think they won’t be so extreme. The civil union ceremonies I’ve heard about sounded very nice,  but sedate. I could be wrong, but I think that even Rosie O’Donnell had a less-than-outrageous traditional wedding. But what about someone like Cynthia Nixon? Her wedding on Sex and the City was simple and lovely. But that was with Steve. Now she’s got Christina. And while Christina seems like a sweet, steady-as-she-goes kind of gal, who knows what nuptials might bring out in these two?

Think about it: Gay weddings could make marriage seem like such a cool thing to do that even I might line up to catch the bouquet. So what if I’m already married? We’re breaking tradition here, remember. Maybe catching the bouquet would mean that I’ll get better at floral arrangemens, not one of my strong suits.

Or maybe catching the bouguet would not grant me a groom, which I already had (and is he happy about that), but would instead grant my wish that gay marriages would become legal in New York State. Then maybe I’d get invited to lots of them. Wearing my taffeta dress and big hair.

Stranger things have happened.


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