What Is My iPhone Trying To Tell Me?

What Is My iPhone Trying to Tell Me?

It’s making these plaintive little sounds, and I can’t get it to stop. Sometimes it’ll be seconds between the sound (A ring? A ping? A Bing? Don’t know how to describe it in words), then it goes silent for long periods of time and I think I’ve fixed it. I haven’t.

I even stopped at the Verizon store on Fifth Avenue and the nice clerk tried to help. He went to Settings and started turning everything to Off. He told him to continue this process and the ringing/pinging/binging would stop. I did. It didn’t.

IS THERE A “CAR TALK” FOR iPHONES?

There should be. Then I could call in to the radio show (how quaint) and describe my problem, sound effects and all. If I got lucky, the iPhone would do it at the very moment I was talking to the experts .In my imagination, they’d be two brothers from Philadelphia who laugh uproariously at their own jokes and give good advice. I love Car Talk.

Okay, so I know what you’re thinking: the ring/ping/bing/noise thingie is a reminder. Fine, but of what? I can’t find anything in Reminders. AND I DIDN’T SET ANY !#!@?! REMINDERS. Maybe my husband did it when he was fiddling with the phone. I don’t like anyone fiddling with my phone unless they’re teaching me something really useful. LIKE HOW TO STOP THESE NOISES.

Deep breath.

Maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way. Maybe it’s not a technical problem at all, but a philosophical one. No, wait. Let me explain . . .

WHAT MY CELL PHONE MAY BE THINKING

Maybe my phone is actually trying to tell me something. Like:

I have about a million different functions, and you use me to check the weather and watch the Big Bird video from Saturday Night Live. I mean, I love the feathered guy, too, but what about all the other things I have to offer.

I’m a smart phone, got that? Not an average intelligence ordinary run of the mill Joe-six pack kind of thing. I could do so much for you if you’d take the time and trouble to learn. Take Siri. You have been ignoring her ever since she sent you to a crummy deli when you asked for cupcakes. Look. They had cupcakes, didn’t they? Sorry they weren’t upscale enough for you.

And speaking of upscale, I’ve heard you talking (I hear you talking) about the new iPhone5. Get outta here! It was just the other day when you were raving about how great I was, showing me off at your book club) and saying that I was worth the wait (I don’t want to think about how you were surviving before me, no matter how limited your range is). Now you want to toss me out like an old . . . cellphone? I don’t use the word “ingrate” very often, but hey.

I’ve also been meaning to talk to you about the hot pink case. Okay, it was nice for spring and summer (although lime green might have been a little nicer), but how about something new for this season. You don’t have one pair of shoes, do you? And I’ve noticed that really nice rust-colored case for your Kindle. Not a big deal, but still.

Please stop forgetting (or start remembering, whichever you can manage) to charge me. You yak all day (you’ve nailed that function pretty well) and often let the battery run dangerously low. I know these things. The cord is right there next to your computer, who, by the way, has heard rumors about you wanting a new one. A word to the wise: keep these thoughts to yourself. Things crash. Just saying.

You toss me any old place, and then have to call on the land line to find me. No fun being lost. We won’t even go into that time you left me at the nail salon. With all those laquers and solvents. But I’ll get over my abandonment issues. In the fullness of time.

DO SMART PHONES DREAM AT NIGHT?

To answer that question you heard on that commercial for AT&T: 
Yes, but only when you charge us. They are pleasant enough dreams, except when we feel abandoned.

WELL!

Perhaps the Car Talk format wouldn’t work for this problem.. Maybe I could contact Dr. Phil. He could gather together the Leading Experts on Smart Phone Abuse (apparently, I have been guilty of this), and maybe, just maybe, if I listen to his admonitions and go faithfully to all the treatments he will so generously provide, we can solve this problem. Together.

Meanwhile, if you guys have any suggestions about that sound its making. . . .