The E-Mail From Hell

No, it’s not a Nigerian letter or yet another solicitation from Omaha Steaks (how many sirloins do these people think I can eat?).

It’s a death threat.

Really!!!

“Hello,” it begins, cordially enough . . .

“How are you doing am nick Nichols (the name has been changed to protect whoever) some one you’ve offended before and now wants to revenge gave me your full details e.g your email you pics your family’s pics your place of work and time you go to work the person who gave me this details told me to eliminate you witch means I should kill you before next month have been tracking all your moves but i asked my workers to leave that you don’t worth to be killed they send me some videos and pictures via email and you don’t look like some one who offended any one that the person will even pay that you should be killed the person who gave me this project called me yesterday and was asking why you have not been killed but am thinking of assisting you in some way maybe you will pay for me to that person for you and that will cost you some cash if you want to make it a deal email me before the next 24 hours or you count your self a dead man i also want you to have it in mind that if you dear try reporting to the corps i swear to God i will get rid of you . i got my men’s watching all your moves they can even get rid of you any time just a call from me then you count your self dead i will be expecting a response from you to know the step am gonna take and don’t forget as soon as you get the corps involved you know what the result is have a good time and i want you to know put your hole trust in me that as soon as you make it a deal that we would get rid of that person for you have a good day and am waiting for a response

Nick.

After waiting more than 24 hours, actually more than three months (I am no hero), here’s my reply:

Death Threat In An E-Mail???

Dear “Nick”:
Do you really think it’s a good idea to send death threats that show your email address? Just saying.

It’s very nice of you to say that I don’t look like someone who offended anyone, but I assure you that is not the case at all. Why just the other day, someone on Facebook (you’re not a hired hand from Facebook, are you?) was miffed about a post I did suggesting (as a joke, Nick, as a joke!) that children’s books could ruin your life. Perhaps you should read that post, because from the tone of your email, you may have had some negative influences in your life, and this could help. Hey, if the Little Engine could go straight, you can too.

Or you could just call Dr. Phil.

In any event, reading books of any nature might help you with, like, you know, spelling and grammar and stuff. I’m hardly in any position to criticize, but some of your writing is quite, let’s just say . . . creative. See, it’s hard to really trust someone who asks for my “hole trust.” Unless that’s what you meant. Goodness, I hope not!

No, Nick, I’m not going to the “corps,” just the Internet. I have a lot of close personal friends on various social networks who just might not like your attitude, let alone your lack of punctuation and unfamiliarly with the concept of paragraphs.

On the other hand, you did tell me to have a good day, so there must be some sense of decency left in you. I will cling to that idea, and hopefully, to my life, for a long time to come.

Since I know you’ll be busy searching your soul as to why you’d write anybody something like this, I won’t expect a reply. Don’t email me again except to report that you’ve seen the light and now have a job writing those nice inspiring quotes I get everyday.
Or to say, Just kidding! That would be nice.

And remember, I know where you live at Yahoo, and so does Uncle Nunzio.

Respectfully,
Pat

For further reading (Nick, this includes you):  

Thank God For Uncle Nunzio
Can Children’s Books Ruin Our Lives? 
Nigerian Letters at Urgant! Read My Blog