Shopping Is Not For Sissies

It Happened At Saks. . .

I was waiting on the 9th floor for Diana, the Shopping Queen. Without her, my quest for a shearling coat might never be realized, my dreams of furry happiness would not come true.

As you blog fans know, I am not a good shopper. Too impatient. Easily confused. Stunned by the prices. And yet.

Hadda Have A Shearling Coat

I wanted one for several long, cold winters, and really wanted it now. Last year, I waited too long, figuring to get a steal, but then there was nothing left in my size.

This coat had to be black, dressy enough to replace the old (and I mean old) mink in the storage closet, doing —as George Harrison sings in As My Guitar Gently Weeps —”nothing but aging.” But the new coat also had to be not too dressy so I could use it every day.

I wanted a real relationship. Not just a rebound coat.

The young adorable sales clerk, Leah Rosen, spotted me testing my texting skills on my new iPhone. I was trying to reach Diana because the shearlings had been moved from the fur department on 2 to co-mingle with the plain Republican cloth coats on 9. Does that mean they’re politically correct now, I wondered. Depends on who you talk to. PETA says no. Ralph Lauren says yes. I’m not sure, I just want to be warm this winter. Meanwhile, Diana texted back: I’m on the escalator.

Thank god.

The sales woman (“person?” surely not “girl?” Let’s just call her Leah) had asked, rhetorically, if I needed help, and I told her I was waiting for a friend. Oh, says Leah. That means you’re on a mission.

Were we ever. I won’t bore you with the details, but when it comes to shopping, Diana takes no prisoners, the staff of the fur/shearling department wanted a sale, and with the 30 per cent off I could almost afford this, especially if I used a few gift certificates left over from last year.  So . . .

SHOPPING MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

I’d show you a picture of it and me, but as we speak the cuffs are being shortened by alteration elves who understand how embarrassing it is to have sleeves come down to your knees. This is the coat on the left, although I’ll never look this glam, wear it with white strapless, or be a tall blonde.

Meanwhile, I’ll share a parody song I wrote for my wedding reception four years ago. Four years! Yes, fans, that’s right: we just celebrated an anniversary.

Anyway, the song is about another, what could have been far more traumatic, shopping event: the wedding outfit. So not for the fainthearted. Especially since it wasn’t exactly the first time. For either a wedding or a dress.

Fortunately, the shopping expeditions were successful . . .

Sung to the tune of Paul Anka’s “Diana”

There so just so much to do  
I couldn’t seem to see it through 
To buy the dress, the ring, the shoes 
I was getting SO CON-FUSED!
The purse, the pearls, the pantyhose,
You can hit it on the nose!

Oh please, shop with me, Diana.

Something old and something new,
Something blue — will Lou’s tie do?
He gets dressed with so much ease,
Me, I’m down on both my knees
Praying for a dress that’s cool
A dress to make Luigi drool!

Oh please, shop with me, Diana

I bought a Vogue, I bought an Elle,
But on my own, I looked like hell!
I couldn’t seem to get too far
I had to have that push-up bra!
It turned out great, this outfit’s cute –
Without your help, my birthday suit!

Oh thank god, you shopped with me, Diana.
Oh thank god, you shopped with me, Diana

Thanks again, Diana, not to mention Leah, the alteration elves, those nice gift certificates, my ability to rationalize anything, and, of course, the Shopping Gods.

“Because of you, I’ve a song in my heart.” And before long, a coat in my closet.

For more wedding info — and photos — click on: 
Nothing Is Simple: The Wedding Bell Blues

For more on shoppping — for a (Gasp!) bathing suit — click on: 
The Bathing Suit Blues