Return of the Weiner

May 29

They said it couldn’t be done.
Hell, I said it couldn’t be done.
But it’s being done:

WeinerWienerAnthony Weiner is back, and not only is he running for mayor of the great city of New Yawk, but the latest poll says that he’s doing better than expected.

Holy hot dog! Which is actually spelled “wiener,” not “weiner,” but that doesn’t stop anyone from making all those cringe-inducing puns:

THE BEST WEINERISMS made a list of Weiner headlines, and invites you to “take a long, hard look at them.” They include:

Hide The Weiner
Weiner Pulls Out
Mounting Pressure on Weiner
It Could Be My Weiner
Weiner Lets It All Hang Out
Weiner Gets Grilled
Weiner Roasted
Weiner: I’m Sorry I was a Little Stiff Yesterday
Little Weiner in the Oven
The Dork Knight: Weiner’s Junk Defense
Hung Out To Dry
Fall on Your Sword, Weiner
The Lesson Of the Weiner’s Schnitzel: Delete, Delete, Delete
Weiner Is Shrinking
Battle of the Bulge
Weiner Exposed
Weiners’s Pickle
Weiner’s Rise and Fall
(And now, rise again?)

Apparently not . . .

It seems that many New Yorkers, a notoriously forgiving lot, think that everyone makes mistakes and the guy deserves a second chance. And who knows, they may be right.

He wouldn’t be the first!


Senator Edward Kennedy came back from Chappaquiddick, where a young woman was killed (!) to become one of the most effective and beloved members of the Senate. Even republicans begrudgingly admitted he did a great job. The scandal did cost him the presidency, though.

Barney Frank survived a sex scandal involving a male escort, which may or may not have had any basis in fact, to be elected many times, and to become our favorite gay guy with a listhp.

CllintonSocksBill Clinton!!! Hell, after wagging his finger at us and lying to our faces about Monica, then going through the indignity of an impeachment, he’s now our favorite elder statesman and, you should pardon the expression, pussy cat. Of course, he’s not in public office any more, unless Hilary appoints him to the Supreme Court. Which should keep him out of trouble.

Mark Sanford, the former governor of South Carolina, just won a seat in the South House of Representatives. You remember him, right? The one who went missing on the Appalachian Trail (not) while he was governor (yes!) but was really visiting his mistress in Argentina. Yes, that Mark Sanford.

I could go on, but you get the picture, and it’s a pretty human one at that. Who among us hasn’t done something we’d rather not have printed on the front page of the Times? On the other hand, if you’re going to be involved in public affairs, don’t you think it would be better to keep your affairs—public, pubic, or otherwise— private?

Whatever. At the moment, Weiner is holding his own, so to speak, in the Democratic primary at 19%, just behind Christine Quinn at 24%. Also in the picture are Bill de Blasio, Bill Thompson and, in the rear, John Liu. So, can Weiner keep it up? Can he get past the sniggering and the eye rolling and the god-awful puns? Could he possibly be. . . the winning Weiner?

New Yawkers are mixed in their opinions. A little more than half of the women polled say that he shouldn’t be running, and they won’t vote for him. For them it’s a matter of trust. But almost half of the men said let bygones be bygones, and give the guy a chance. It’s the old Weiners will be Weiners defense, I suppose.

Me? I don’t know. On the one hand, the whole “affair” was too creepy for words. On the other hand, words are my business and the headlines will be wonderful!

FordtoCityHeadlinePlease, please, editors at the Daily News or New York Post, hire me! I’ve always wanted to write headlines (the guy responsible for this one is my hero). Here’s a few I pulled out of my . . . hat:

The Announcement: WEINER IS IN!

If he’s ahead:  POLLS SAY HE’S UP!
If he’s not:      WEINER LIMPS ALONG
If he wins:      WEINER PULLS IT OFF!

So hey, readers, how do you come down on this heady topic?
Leave your comments below . . .

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