Princess And Proud Of It

You think you do -— but you really don’t know what a princess is.

Yes, a princess is fussy, needs frequent manicures, likes cute cocktail napkins, and never, ever takes the first seat she’s offered in a restaurant.

But a true princess is also the one who leads the charge (usually metaphorically) when her kingdom is in peril. A princess takes care of her peeps. In style.

Let’s say you have to spend a few days in the hospital or go for one of those fun medical procedures  where you need a companion. Sorry, but it happens. In these cases, always, repeat always, choose a princess.

A princess will make sure that everyone is paying attention to you (they better!) and will not be pushed around by anyone in authority. She’s a princess, man, no bureaucrat can possibly intimidate her. She’s also good at getting you a cab or a car to get you home in comfort. (She probably won’t drive, but will hold your hand.) She’ll make sure that your meal is more or less edible and that you get that extra juice you ordered. She’ll get you a blanket if you’re cold or more pain meds if you need them.

She doesn’t like to be inconvenienced, hungry, cold, or in pain, and she’ll figure out the easiest, least esthetically-challenged way to make sure you aren’t, either.

On the other hand, the absolute worst possible person to help you out in situations like this is a true stoic. This grin-and-bear-it type will simply, well, grin and bear it, because that’s what this person does. A little pain, a long wait, a meal from hell: would this person make a fuss? No way. The princess? Way. All the way . . .

. . . And On A White Horse Already
How do I know all this? I’m proud to say that a boyfriend in days of yore once called me a princess, and before I could strangle him with a nearby boa or bop him on the head with my professional weight hair dryer, he explained the concept I’ve been telling you about today.

He reminded me of the time when he had been out of town and had neglected to pay Con Ed. Before they would restore their so-called service, they demanded all sorts of late charges, a new deposit, a blood sample, his firstborn.  I told him I’d take care of it. The bill, not the firstborn. I don’t remember exactly what I said to the officious official I was forced to deal with (a princess does what a princess has to do), but I do know that I copped a high princess attitude and kept repeating the phrase, “You don’t understand” like a velvet cudgel. It worked. Battling the metropolitan giant Con Ed — and winning! — was a crowning achievement in my career as a princess.

After that, even though he knew all too well that I could hardly tell one end of a horse from the other, the boyfriend in question always pictured me as the Princess On The White Horse charging forth to defend the kingdom. Maybe that’s why the relationship didn’t work. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Whatever.

What you need to remember is that it’s a good thing to have a princess around. She likes nice things, so her place looks good, and she’ll fix up yours if you let her. She looks good, she smells good, and if she buys you a tie or a bathing suit, it will not embarrass you. She’ll take you (or get you to take her) to nice places. Contrary to popular belief, she probably can cook, because she likes to eat well and can’t always, like. you know, go to a restaurant.

Sure, she can be high maintenance. But she’s worth it.

A TRUE princess, while wanting the best for herself, also wants the best for you — and you can bet your royal ascot, she’ll get it. If you’re lucky enough to be in her kingdom (Princess World anyone?), she’ll take care of you in the manner she thinks you should become accustomed to.
Worse things can happen to a person.