OPENING ACT
Jan 09
Congratulations!
You have reached, possibly by computer error, the very first post in the new blog:
MY AGE IS UNLISTED!
This site used to be called: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M NOT BITTER, and while it’s true that we must never become embittered, it’s also true that we have become older. So we need, more than ever, to see something funny in the challenges Life hands us these days. You know, like figuring out what the hell bitcoin is, losing your favorite sitcom because that streaming service suddenly doesn’t work, worrying if democracy is in danger. And wondering why Larry David is screaming in that picture. Which will be revealed shortly.
MY AGE IS UNLISTED is for anyone over 50 who feels it might be fun to read something for a change that doesn’t want to make you take a flying leap off of the nearest tall building.
IT’S OUR GRAND OPENING, FOLKS—
AND WE’RE OPENING WITH A POST ABOUT OPENING.
Yes, you read that right. We’re going to tackle (and hopefully bring to its knees) another type of opening, the problem that anyone living in these trying times has— but especially those who’ve reached the half century mark and beyond—with the way things are packaged. You know, those parcels you get all the time, obviously designed by sadists, that you cannot open without a sharp object—and sometimes not even then.
You’re with me on this one, right?
Everything comes over-packaged. And if you use Amazon or any other online service, you can order several things at the same time and receive them all in separate, difficult-to-open packages. Just the other day, I sent for three nail polish products: base coat, polish, and top coat, because, duh, that’s the way you polish your nails. But you guessed it, folks: they each came separately, in large envelopes way too big for the single measly bottle within.
I try to be ecologically responsible, I really do. I save some of the boxes and the bubble wrap, the better to return the stuff that doesn’t look like what I thought I was buying. But really, most of the packaging is wasted. And a waste of my precious time! As for bubble wrap, although it sometimes seems terribly over used, it is fun to pop those bubbles. Admit it. You love it. We all do. So all this is not a total waste.
And don’t you love the “Peel Here” instructions on packages that look so easy but cannot 
be torn off by any human person, and require scissors, or some sort of knife, or a letter opener as shown here. It should not be that difficult, people, to open a simple package of AA batteries.
But when it comes to exposing the woes of impossible-to-open packages, Larry David nailed it, as he is wont to do.
Here’s a clip from Curb Your Enthusiasm that says it all. (Skip the ads if they appear.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HubZInAs0-A
And if a picture is worth a thousand words, this video is worth a fortune to those among us who have trouble opening a can of tuna. And who has not?
If you’ve recovered from laughing and/or crying, feel free to post a comment below, happy in the the knowledge that you will be helping the huddled masses yearning to be free of all this over-packaging.
Maybe they’ll sharpen all their knives. Or find that hammer in the junk drawer. Or buy a hacksaw. At least they will know that they are not alone.
And neither are you, here at MY AGE IS UNLISTED.
About comments: We use first names only and don’t publish email addresses, so no one will send you an email or text—or, god forfend, a package.
More new stuff: Click on WELCOME to find out why you’re here, ABOUT ME, if you’re curious about my checkered career, and MY FAVORITES, for your reading pleasure.
Love the new blurb title but really “ over 50”? 50 year olds could be my children ( if I had any) and they have very little in common with me. Maybe 60… or better still over 65. I know you don’t want to shrink your audience but I think from 50 to whatever I am (unlisted) is too broad a range.
Well, every blog wants as big a tent as possible, and 50 IS an arbitrary number: I remember being mortified when I got my first copy of AARP. At 50. I think I told the doorman it was a mistake. But really, we don’t remember much after a certain point, and I do think that it all starts to go “balls up,” as the Brits so colorfully say, around that age. It doesn’t get easier, that’s for sure.
Over packaging is lunacy. Of course three tiny bottles were shipped separately in three oversize envelopes.
Lunacy is exactly the right word, Ruth. And just yesterday, I got two nail products in two separatelarge envelopes. But the reason I bought them on line was that the CVS in my nabe was out of everything —probably because of the wave of shoplifting in town. File (no pun intended) this under You can’t Win.
How about those pill bottles? If can get the top off, and I mean if it comes off, then you are left with this impossible pull tab that is supposed remove yet another protective barrier. By the time I get that off, I don’t need a pill, I need a nap.
It’s enough to give you a headache! Then you have to buy more pills. Hmmmm. Is there a method to their madness?
Hilarious!
Just glad to see that you are back 🙂
Nice debut! As the Larry video demonstrates, opening some packages can be dangerous to your health.
I’m surprised more people don’t wind up in the ER.
This reminds me of the now legendary McDonald’s scalding hot coffee case, which most of us thought was frivolous at first, but turned out to be legally solid (as Lou V pointed out to me at the time), and the woman, who sustained scalding on her leg, was awarded a six-figure sum. That wasn’t bad packaging, but was yet another companies have found to burn the consumer.
A blog refresh, wow I like it. Today, we need a general refresh of social media. I will stick my belief that personal blogs are much better than FB or Twitter.
Larry David is favorite of mine. Did you see his Superbowl ad? He was right about bitcoin.
“save some of the boxes” – How many is some? My wife and her family collect boxes like they were gold. I live with boxes.
Wishing you the best of posts.
Thanks, Lisleman! From a fellow blogger, that’s a rave.
I have the same problem with shopping bags: how many is too many is a question I have never been able to answer.
You can find them in my closet, all shapes and designs, crowding out what should be there.
Oh well, they’re selling Tiffany boxes on Ebay. Can shopping bags be far behind?
Thanks for your comment and good luck with your blog.
Welcome back, Pat. Great post!
Concise and funny, as always. Miss you.
It’s fun to read your new blog–I can really relate to it. Thank you for keeping me smiling
To Eva, Lou, Jennifer and Sara
Thanks for the welcome back and for thinking I am still “concise and funny.”
(Concise, huh, does being petite count? I guess. The important thing is keeping you all smiling.)
Love your comments on packages. I don’t feel quite so incompetent.
Yes, sometimes I think these packages are specifically designed to make a person feel incompetent. Can’t be good for future sales, so why do they do it? One theory (mine) is that they create a test for potential designers and weed out anyone who isn’t a sadist.
Welcome back! We’ve missed you.
Thanks for the Larry David. Only thing he missed was the spurting blood when you cut yourself on the plastic you’ve just ripped. Argh!!!!!
If it’s blood you want, maybe we could find that clip from SNL of Julia Child cutting a chicken, but I do know what you mean about plastic cuts.
And yes, I’m glad to be back. Next week’s post will be about Eloise at the Plaza.
The packaging blog, hysterical. Living in the suburbs, I also noticed that the teeny tiniest package, like a cellphone case, which was just delivered the other day to my door, was dropped off in what looked like a Mac truck. Oy, the waste.
Does Larry David know about this?
Thanks for the comment.
Oy vey even. The waste is incredible: of time (mine and yours) and materials. Isn’t there some organization that can address this problem? Probably not. It would be too logical.