MEN IN SKIRTS: The Short Version

Remember the post on Bravehearts: Men in Skirts, an exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art?  It was kinda long: the piece, not the skirts. So now, here’s a new, shorter version just in time for St. Patrick’s Day.

Men wearing skirts is nothing new. Besides kilts, there have been caftans, saris, and sarongs, not to mention loincloths (think of them as the first mini-skirts).

Could this became a new fashion trend? Designers think so, because it “frees the legs,” is “less restricting,” and is so “fashion forward.” Really? Maybe for that hot young model on the runway, but if you’re looking for an actual fashion trend for actual men, don’t hold your breath. It will never happen, and here’s why:

Last year, I rediscovered my legs. I bought a jacket — and  a matching skirt (I think that’s called A Suit). Cute, with a leather strip and flouncy thing on the bottom. This is not the first skirt I’ve bought in the last decade, but this time, I actually wore it.

So here’s the thing. When you wear something feminine, you behave differently (think tilting of the head, tossing of the hair, crossing of the legs), you have more fun, and you want to repeat the experience. So, when you’re off to meet Alex Simmons for a drink at the National Arts Club (scene of the first leg revealing episode), you reach for . . . the skirt!

Not so fast, Fortunato! It was raining. Really raining. Not a drizzle, not a light shower, but a drenching downpour, and a girl could get her legs wet and ruin her shoes. With a skirt, you have to pay attention to these things. They show.

And so, with a heavy heart — alas, no longer brave —I abandoned all hope of flounciness and reached for Old Reliable, the black pants suit and black waterproof boots. And I remembered why I had stopped wearing skirts in the first place . . .                                 Go to Read More

It’s too damn complicated.

It can be cold. It can be wet. It can be . . . drafty!

Plus, you have to consider your legs: Are they shaved? Bruised? Do you have stockings that go with the skirt? And OMG, what about the shoes? If they can be worn with tights, you don’t have the shaved, bruised thing to worry about, but tights can be, well, tight. If the shoes show your toes, you need a pedicure.

This “frees the legs?” This is “less restricting?”

Men in skirts? I think not. No matter how many examples they showed at that exhibit at the Met.

Men are the ones who say, “But you already have a pair of black shoes.” When men ask what to wear, they really mean, “Do I HAVE to wear a jacket?” Fashion forward? Sure, right. They fight getting a new pair of shoes until the old ones die, then buy the same shoes in the same color.

Men want it to be easy, comfortable, and brainless. And maybe they’re right.

Because guess what: I had a wonderful evening. Wearing pants. Okay, so maybe it was the two martinis, where one is my Absolut limit. Maybe it was because Alex and I were talking about James Bond (in the midst of a group of women from the Feminists of America) — and decided that if anyone wanted to make something out of it, we could take them. Hey, I said I was wearing the pants, didn’t I? Alex, being a guy, was also wearing pants.

Men in skirts? HA! I say. HA.

And yet. I’m not ready to donate that skirt to the thrift shop. No way. There’s a clear night in my future, and I’ll be ready to flounce again. Meanwhile, flounceless but happy, life goes on.

And oh yes, just in case you thought that men in skirts might be less prone to violence, and that it would help them embrace their feminine sides and not be so eager to start wars and stuff, forget it. Think: the movie, Braveheart. The Praetorian Guard. Africans warriors. Cavemen . . .

You can take the boy out the pants, but you can’t take the, oh you get the drift. Or the draft. By the way, most of the women at the Men In Skirts Exhibit were wearing pants. And so were all of the men.

Happy St Pat’s, guys!

See: Men In Skirts the longer (maxi) version.