In Defense of TWINKIES???

Well, sorta.

Hostess Brands, maker of Twinkies and assorted other highly addictive, no nutritional value nonfoods, filed for bankruptcy last week, throwing some of us into a not-so-mild panic.

Bye, Bye Sugar High

What? No Twinkies? Not to mention Sno Balls, Ding Dongs, Suzie Qs, or Ho Hos. And worst of all for me, who doesn’t really like any of the aforementioned goodies, the disappearance of those divine Hostess cupcakes with the squiggly white thing on top and the creamy stuff on the inside.

I say “stuff” not for lack of writerly precision but because I have no idea, and suspect no one else does either, what that stuff is. It sure ain’t cream. And it doesn’t seem to be marshmallow. A thorough readying of the ingredients might clear it up, but who reads the ingredients on Hostess products. Masochists, surely.

You know that these empty caloried sugar-saturated snacks can’t be good for you, but when you get a jones this bad it might as well be for something that can’t get you an all-expense-paid vacation — behind bars. These treats may be fattening, but they’re not illegal. Yet. It’s rumored that Mayor Bloomberg is working on it.

Meanwhile, could one little cupcake possibly do any harm? Possibly. Go ahead and eat the damn thing anyway.

My inspiring quote for the day says:

“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” 
—Aristotle

So if that great Greek philosopher were faced with a Twinkie, and if he had been educated in modern theories of nutrition, what would he do? Entertain the thought of eating it then pass it off some unsuspecting slave? Or just eat the damn thing. We’ll never know.

I do know that I haven’t had a Hostess Cupcake for years, and yet the thought of them never existing in the world is too much to bear.

For so many reasons. . .

Think of the Great Debates over the years:

• Ho Hos Versus Ding Dongs.

•Vanilla cupcakes versus the chocolate: No contest there as far as I’m concerned although I knew someone who bought them by the gross, no pun intended, because they were hard to find, and come to think of it, I haven’t seen them for a while: Are they gone? I just learned online that Strawberry Hostess cupcakes exist. At least for now. Strawberry cupcakes strike me as weird, but then so does fried butter on a stick, so what do I know.

• The etiquette of sharing and techniques of eating: Whether you break open the cupcake and lick off the cream, or eat the whole thing in one glorious gulp was argued hotly on the playground with staunch advocates on each side. And do you ever break one in half and share it, or share one of the two that come in the package. Questions, alas, that may never be settled.

And while we do have recipes for homemade “Hostess” cupcakes, and some pretty fancy bakeries imitate them, it’s just not the same. The packaging, like that of Mallomars, is part of the pleasure, enough to make the addict salivate and even the occasional user get a guilty grin.

There Really Is a Twinkie Defense

Twinkies, of course, are more famous than the cupcakes, especially after the trial of the man who shot Mayor George Moscone and Harvey Milk. Lawyers got him a lesser verdict of manslaughter rather than murder by claiming that their client was not responsible for his actions, having been in a deep depression caused by ingesting large quantities of junk food. As you know, this became known as the Twinkie Defense, and I, for one, don’t find it the least bit funny.

But I do love those cupcakes once in a while. Everything in moderation, right? Even Aristotle couldn’t argue with that.

Besides, I have two avenues of hope in this Colossal Cupcake Catastrophe.

Bankruptcy doesn’t mean extinction! Hostess could come back from the dead after it stiffs its suppliers and fires most of its employees. Where is Mitt Romney when you need him? Or it could be bought by another company. Drake’s, are you listening? Read on.

The other alternative is to bid a fond adieu (I am sooo elitist) to the cupcake forever, and turn my affections to my other great love for which I have an equally strong jones:

Devil Dogs!

They’re chocolate too, are soft and cakey, and have creamy stuff in the middle. Like Twinkies, you can argue about how to eat them, they go great with milk (lo fat, of course) or coffee (decaf, darling), and have a list of ingredients you read at your own peril.

And who knows, if I’m ever arrested for a crime, say bopping a biker on the head as he ignores a traffic light and nearly kills me, or smashing the cell phone of that woman on the bus who’s been talking loudly for 60 blocks in what may be ancient Serbo-Croatian, or threatening bodily harm to the next so-called human being at AT&T who can’t clear up the Auto-Pay situation that has been going on for 6 months (6 months!) . . .  no problem. I can plead temporary insanity due to excessive use of sugary snacks.

I’ll tell them that The Devil made me do it.

See also: Fried Butter On A Stick