How Do I Look?

A man should never comment on the good looks of another woman when he’s with you.

You know that, right. And you’ve drummed it into his dear little head. If not, do so immediately. Use a large polo mallet if necessary.

But did you know that it’s also not a good idea for women to talk too much about the appearance of other women? I learned this on The View, where I learn many things when I’m not being distracted by the squeaky voice of Elizabeth (Well She Is Pretty) Hasselbeck or that dread lock that keeps falling onto the forehead of Whoopi (Love That Woman) Goldberg.

Women Are SO Sensitive About Their Looks!

If you tell a man you don’t like his tie, he’ll accept the comment as meaning, well, that you don’t like his tie. Maybe he’ll change it, maybe he won’t, but he won’t read more into the whole thing.

If, on the other hand, you tell a woman that you don’t like her scarf—or her hat, or god forbid, her purse, or her shoes (Don’t even think about it!)— she will interpret this as: You don’t like me or the horse I rode in on.

What? You don’t care for my hat? Oh yeah? What do you really mean? You don’t like my hair, right? Or my ears. Why are you starring at my ears? Let’s not even get started on my neck, my arms, my (gasp) ass, my ankles or my feet. Why are we even friends? How can you bear to look at me?

Once upon a time at Golden Girl Tennis, AKA The Not Quite Ready for Medicare Players . . . 

. . .  Someone mentioned Kitty Carlisle and the fact that she had great legs until she died in her nineties. And I wanted to say, but didn’t, that sure, her legs looked great in pantyhose, but barelegged, wearing a tennis skirt, probably not so much.

I bit my tongue because it would sound a little catty around the edges. But it’s true. Stockings smooth out all those spots and dimples and bumps. Did you know that some showgirls wear two pairs of hose, although that wouldn’t work it your legs were heavy. But if you happened to be backstage and a chorus member’s extra leg wear gave her a serious case of thunder thighs, you’d be well advised not to mention it.

 Do You Really Want To Know How You Look?

When a woman asks a man, How do I look, the correct answers are: “Great!” “Terrific!” “Stunning!” “Beautiful!” “Fabulous!” and words of that ilk. “Fine” is not good enough. Nor is “good,” unless it’s accompanied by a big grin or anything else that denotes his sincere appreciation. Honesty is to be avoided at all costs. Except if you’re shopping with her (My advice: Don’t Do It!) and you can gently suggest something that really doesn’t make her ass look big.

It’s also okay to choose between two outfits if she asks, but make sure you’re commenting on which is BEST, not which is WORST. “They’re both great, but I like the blue on you today.” Note: today. Otherwise, the green will forever after be looked on with disfavor. And it’s your fault. Got it?

What Women DON’T Want

One of the worst things you can say to a woman, apart from the ever unpopular, “You look good for your age” (Don’t you dare!) is “You look nice today,” with emphasis on the nice or the today, or for that matter on the You. This implies that she doesn’t usually look nice.

Women Shopping With Friends

Okay, in this case, we need to be brutally honest in order to get the job done. But even then, watch your step.

I have a fabulous taffeta blouse that I love, except for one thing. When I tried it on, my friend said, “It sure hides a multitude of sins.” Now, every time I put it on, I see first the sins, all of them, and all too clearly. I am grateful to have something that makes me look good (getting more grateful all the time), and am aware that lots of clothes this year hide absolutely nothing. Still, I wish I could think of the blouse as a merely flattering garment not total camouflage.

And yet. Better to get over the trauma in the dressing room than at the party. Or the beach, where I’ll be travelling to as soon as I finish this blog. Please see: Buying a Bathing Suit.(AKA: With A Thong In My Heart.)

Even with all the effort we put into it, most women feel wanting at least some of the time. Personally, every time someone comments on a really good looking woman, I feel a twinge of guilt. I know that I don’t scare the horses, but I also know that I could look better if I tried.

I could wear less comfortable, much sexier clothes. I could work out. I could get a serious hairdo. I could paint my nails all the time, instead of waiting until they look like they do today. I could force myself to wear high heels, even though I totter and exhibit a decidedly pained expression. Well, that, at least, is a good excuse: I don’t wear anything over 1 ½ inches, because I will be grimacing, and that will totally wipe out all the Estee Lauder in the world. Louboutins notwithstanding (or not standing), I’d look worse if I wasn’t smiling.

Then what would people say!

The ladies of The View concluded that when women talk about how good another woman looks, say that you didn’t notice and don’t join in the discussion. Or, to put it in the words of my friend’s grandmother, who lived happily to 104, you never get in trouble by keeping your mouth shut. Wise words. And she looked so good for her age!