Email Me Maybe

Hot Action Anytime!
Penis Growth Guaranteed!
Don’t jerk off tonight, meet a local slut.
(Substitute delight for slut, and you have a nifty TV jingle.)

These are but a few of the colorful email subjects that have appeared in my New Mail in the last few days. And that’s after trying for a whole month (August is slow) to get unsubscribed from the many, many emails that clog my computer and, I fear, my soul.

How Do You Unsubscribe?

Don’t ask me. It seemed easy at first. There’s usually an Unsubscribe Here spot at the bottom, the very, very bottom, of the solicitation, sometimes in teeny teeny type, and you have to Enable Links to get through. Okay, been there, done that. No problem.

Then some of them start asking you questions: at the very least, your email address, allegedly so they get your request right. Riiight. I am convinced that some of these sites send your email to other advertisers, and that’s why certain other sites promise a “Safe Unsubscribe.”

Why, I wondered would doing this possibly be unsafe, and I clicked away recklessly. But now I’ve become suspicious—although not, thank heavens, bitter—because after I started enabling all those links and hitting all those unsubscribe buttons, I began getting MORE emails from sources I had never heard from before. A lot of schools and courses. And believe me, Internet Universe, I have no interest in taking woodworking classes and will never become a practical nurse. Too impractical, for starters.

Some sites promise that they’ll unsubscribe you, but with a disclaimer: It will take 5 days, 10 days, 2 weeks, all eternity.

All I know is that I’m still getting emails like “Desperate for a Girl,” and while you say many things about me . . .

“Desperate for a girl” is not one of them.

Can Snail Mail Answer An Email?

Some sites have the unmitigated gall to ask you to write to them. Like I’m going to pick up a pen, find a piece of paper and an envelope, not to mention a stamp, and do the Dear Sir Or Madam routine. All to get rid of some email I never asked for in the first place. They may be trying to avoid my request. Ya think?

The Story of E

And then there’s the porn mail: It’s unending, of course. People (I suppose they are human)with  clever little monikers like Sweet Cocoa, Baby Pie, and Golden Sprinkles, promise you the moon, or at least a good, oh you know. But all I want is a good Unsubscribe.

One that doesn’t take weeks. One that doesn’t give my email to other pesky sites, one that doesn’t say “Sorry to see you go” then doesn’t let you go. Dammit, I want to break up!

Me & My Email

I get at least 50 emails a day, sometimes 100, and precious few are anything important.

Okay, I admit it. Some of this is my own fault. I can’t bring myself to unsubscribe from Gap (I get the occasional t-shirt) or Fab (the stuff really is fab, even though I’ve only bought one thing so far and I didn’t need that). I don’t get the Times delivered during the week, so I get the online notices every day, and I usually read something. I like the offers from Broadway Box, which enable me to get discount tickets for lots of shows. Can’t cut them off.

Some sites give you the option to cut down on the amount of emails: I opted out of men’s fashions from Fab and something or other from Gap, but I still get tons of email from both.

Inspiration In Your Inbox

Then too, there are the automated emails I actually like, like The Inspiring Quote of the Day. This morning’s was:

“The boy who is going to make a great man must not make up his mind merely to overcome a thousand obstacles, but to win in spite of a thousand repulses and defeats.” ― Theodore Roosevelt

I mentally substitute “girl” for “boy” and think wistfully of my favorite childhood book, The Little Engine That Could.

But do you think that even they (that is, Teddy or The Engine) could overcome the obstacles the Internet has thrown in our way? Sure, they trekked through the jungle and chugged up impossible inclines. But could they get AT&T to stop sending them notices? Or convince Bosely Hair Replacement to get it through their thick skulls that I have plenty of hair, some in places I wish i didn’t?

Merde. Now someone will send me an email offering me a great deal on waxing. No way! But that’s another story.

On a positive note, with all this unsubscribing activity, I actually have been getting fewer unwanted emails: it seems that some sites do listen and drop you from their lists. And maybe they all will, in the fullness of time.

Oh, and BTW, don’t even think about unsubscribing from my news bulletin. And you have my personal permission to email me with your reactions to my blogs. Better yet, just leave a comment right here.