Creative Wallowing 101

May 15

It must have been a jinx . . .

After writing a blog about how men, including (or especially) my husband, react to getting colds and how I never catch them . . . Whoops. I got one. Oh nooo! What do I do now?

Well, sneeze a lot. Sleep a lot. Watch a lot of Woody Allen movies.

ItsAllMyFaultOne thing I didn’t do was constantly wonder how I got the damn thing. I know how and didn’t hesitate to tell the guilty party. He (guess who) said he needs to get a t-shirt with big letters:


Personally, I think that’s a splendid idea, and was thinking of starting a t-shirt business until I found out, in a mere click or two, that these items already exist. The one here is from Zazzle but you  can also get them on CafePress and probably lots of other sites.

Ever notice that when you have a brilliant idea, it’s already taken? Well, I have, if not the cure, a good method for dealing with the common cold that that can’t be found on any t-shirt.

Here’s how the Don’t Let A Cold Make You Bitter patented system works:

If you don’t have to be out saving the world (and I realize that’s a big if), go directly to bed, surround yourself with tissues, a waste basket, a pitcher of water (okay a bottle will do, but a pitcher is cooler), whatever cold remedy you want (none of them work but it makes you feel better to take something), and a TV remote, then announce that there will be no cooking done by the likes of you (amazing how others can feed themselves if you don’t do it), and, most important of all, prepare to wallow.

Note to readers: If done correctly, wallowing is a good thing. 
It can  involve chastity belts, ovine love, and reruns of The Beverley Hillbillies . . .

Do not, under any circumstances, pay attention to your dictionary (Do you even have a dictionary? Probably not, but you do Google words, don’t you?). Here’s one definition of wallow that to roll about or lie relaxed in mud or water, esp. to keep cool, avoid biting insects, or spread scent. Well, that refers to “large mammals.” Another is: to lie about in a lazy, relaxed, or ungainly manner.

“Lazy!” “Ungainly?” How dare they! You’re not a large mammal, are you? Even so, wallowing, as we’re defining it, means giving yourself over to lying in bed, eating little, drinking lots of liquid (unfortunately, martinis are off limits at times like this), and catching up on all those movies or TV shows you never have time to watch.

If you get Netflix (I finally did after being hounded unto death by people who shall remain unnamed), go for all 13 episodes of House of Cards, or the latest Mad Men or Elementary. Try the vintage stuff: you can get anything from The Beverly Hillbillies (Oh lawd) to the Odd Couple (my personal favorite) to The Rockford Files and lots of other Oldies But Goodies on ME-TV. Take two and call me in the morning. Or not.


WoodyAllenChastityBeltFor me, it’s all Woody Allen, all the time. This time, I watched Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask, which was very uneven, granted, but its best moments were funny enough to make me forget about everything, even that I was sneezing so hard I thought I’d crack a rib. The episode where Gene Wilder falls in love with a sheep named Daisy will forever remain etched in my mind. Then there’s the segment with the jester (Allen, natch) and the queen (played hilariously by Lynn Redgrave), whose royal box is protected by a chastity belt locked by the justly suspicious king. You should get your hands on the movie, even as Allen gets his hands on the queen who he’s slipped an aphrodisiac to, then gets caught in the medieval device. (FYI: There really were such things.)

I then watched Manhattan Murder Mystery, which I loved because some of it was shot in my neighborhood. It’s also fun to find the bloopers about New York. At one point, Diane Keaton sits by the window box at the National Arts Club, where I’m a member, and sees a supposedly deceased women go by in a bus. Ha! We at the club (a-hem) like to point out that while dead people may indeed ride public transportation (Who knows what the hoi polloi do these days?), there is no bus route on that street. Even so, this was a great movie to wallow to.

DoctorVisitJust to be clear: you can’t wallow for very long, just a day or so. And even then, you have to get up from time to time (bed sores are so unpleasant), but NOT to do anything serious, like cook dinner or take out the trash. The point is that this is your chance to seriously goof off. And watch movies like Everything You’ve Ever Wanted To Know About Sex and Manhattan Murder Mystery. And it may be a long time before this opportunity presents itself.

Of course, there is one way you could make it happen sooner rather than later if you really want to: announce to the world that you never get a cold. Just don’t let your husband get one. . .

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