I’M SUING FACEBOOK!!

Will people ever stop coming out of the woodwork to sue Mark Zuckerberg — and leave the poor guy alone so he can enjoy his billions in peace?

No way. In fact, I’m suing the Big Z myself.

Hell, everybody else is.

Following in the footsteps of Eduardo Saverin, Sean Parker, and the Winklevoss twins (all portrayed in the movie, The Social Network), The New York Times reports that a new player on the scene, one Paul Ceglia, has emerged to claim that he owns 84% —or perhaps a mere 50% — of Facebook.

The story, as you may have guessed, is a weird one. Mr. Ceglia, a wood-pellet salesman from upstate New York who has pleaded guilty to possession of hallucinogenic mushrooms and has assorted or even sordid charges against him for fraud, claims to have signed a contract with Mr. Z, 18 at the time, giving him a 50% stake in a project called “The Face Book” or “The Page Book” — for $1000. Not a bad return on investment.

Various emails, which extremely cynical people claim were concocted after the fact, indicate that besides the original 50%, Zuckerberg would cede 1 % more for every day he was late with the project, whatever that was. Yikes! Imagine if you could make a deal like that with the guy who’s renovating your kitchen. He’d end up paying you! But I digress.

In one of the alleged emails, Mr. Z asks that Mr. C rescind the penalty clause and go back to the 50/50 split. So that that proves it, right? There WAS a deal. Ready to settle, Zuckerberg?

Shorty isn’t the only one this guy’s out to get.

But Ceglia isn’t greedy. Even though 1% a day really adds up, and the young Mr. Zuckerberg was probably more than 34 days late on whatever project Ceglia imagines they were working on, he is now only asking for 50% of Facebook.

When asked why he waited so long to come forward with his claim, Ceglia said he had forgotten about the contract. Hey, something like that could slip anybody’s mind.

I myself had forgotten some vital information concerning my own case against Facebook. . .

On several occasions, in emails and in my writing (some of it copyrighted!), I have used the words “face” and “book” in the very same article, or the same page — even in the same sentence! In one instance, I said, and I quote, “She lifted her face from her book. . .” to do something or other. Another time, I wrote: “It’s a crime to deface books.” No? Okay, how about this: “Let’s face it, books are toast.’

On two separate occasions, I actually used the words in sequence! “I can’t face books too early in the morning.” Or: “It was written all over her face, books were boring..” Okay, so there’s a comma in there. Sue me.

As for Page Book, I’ve used the words, “page” and “book” many times in many articles, although the best example I can come up with on short notice comes from a piece on hairstyles and may actually have been “page boy.”

No matter. I’ll get a good lawyer and sue the hell out of Zuckerberg, Facebook, The Facebook (hell, I would have told him to drop the “The” if anybody had asked), Page Book if it exists, Ceglia for his 50%, the Winklevoss twins because they’d look good in court and we know they have at least $65 million from their law suit.

I’d also sue Sean Parker, or Sean Penn if Parker is out of the country, Eduardo Saverin for however much he got in the secret settlement, and anyone who has come within 50 yards of Zuckerberg, Zuckerberg’s computer, my computer, a guy named Mark Zuckerman who’s sometimes confused with Zuckerberg, Harvard because they should have known better,  and the Jersey Shore (both the show and the place), where I sometimes write blogs that invariably contain the words face, book, and page.

As Un-American as this may sound, and it pains me to admit it, I have never actually sued anyone for anything in my whole life. Unless you count my divorces, and let’s not go there.

Up until now, my motto has been “Neither a suer nor a suee be.” But a girl has to change with the times, and I say the time is now.

As for you, dear reader: Leave a comment, and get me a lawyer.
Not necessarily in that order.
How about a class action: Anyone want to join in????