Although baby, it’s still cold out there, this is the first day of Spring, and that’s as good a time as any to talk about the subjects of l-l-l-love and m-m-m-marriage. Which two things, I can now sincerely say — without bitterness (or stuttering) — are not always mutually exclusive. It was not always thus. My romantic escapades often played out like the...

If I were on a diet, I’d really resent hearing about those “new” plans on the market that I’d already tried. I mean, how many spins can you put on low calorie, low fat, or low carbs? Apparently, like the universe, it’s endless. Since I don’t do diets, yet need something to rail against (I am, after all, a professional whiner), what I do allow to bug me are all the...

They’re mad at Obama. “They,” of course, are always mad at Obama. This time, it’s because he made a joke while discussing the current financial mess when he appeared on Sixty Minutes. Now, as any idiot could tell you, he wasn’t laughing AT the financial situation, but ABOUT it. Why? Because as bad as things are, a person with a sense of humor can find something...

Ah, Rome, the Eternal City. Forget about San Francisco: you can leave your heart here faster than you can say Ciao, Baby! I, however, held on to my heart, but left my underwear. As you may know, I  am capable of losing anything. Gloves, of course, and pens and pencils, cell phones, keys, wallets, and address books, not to mention money, checks, and laundry...

They wuz robbed! Just before April Fool’s Day last year, thousands of people in Brooklyn thought they had won The Daily News lottery— which would have paid them $100,000 each— only to find out that the numbers were wrong because of a printing error. Ouch! The lawyer representing some of these non- winners (it would be cruel to call them losers, no?) sez it ain’t...

I have a cleaning person (we don’t call them ladies any more, ladies ) named Eva, who is lovely and cleans up a storm. She hardly breaks anything, and if I left cash lying around, I would find it on my desk, the bills ironed, the coins polished and stacked in neat piles. She’s also reliable, shows up on time, and doesn’t drink the liquor. So what could possibly be...

 This, believe me, is only the beginning . . . I arrived at the doctor’s office bright and early this morning for a colonoscopy. Okay, it wasn’t my colonoscopy: I was just accompanying my significant other, but it was yet another damn test to worry about. In the waiting room (in case you haven’t noticed, there’s a lot of waiting involved...

Why does everyone get up so damned early? A symbol of wealth back in the dark ages of the last century was that you could sleep till noon. If you were truly blessed, you’d be someone like Bette Davis in All About Eve, with a sassy servant (how politically incorrect!) named Bertie, who would bring you breakfast in bed, late. This would probably include a bloody...