I WANT MY IPHONE!

It’s official: you can fall in love with an electronic device.

Take me: I’m in love with my new
Apple IPhone4S.
And we haven’t even met.

OBJECTUM SEXUAL?

I’m not talking about that weird psychological phenomenon you saw on Boston Legal, where a person is incapable of actual affection for another human, but develops a deep devotion to say, a toaster, or an electric blanket. Not just (forgive me) warm feelings, but hot-blooded lust for an inanimate object. This honest-to-Pete actual condition is called Objectum Sexual (OS for short), and the less said about it here the better. Although if you’re really interested, you could check out OS International in San Francisco.

The thing is, even those of us within the normal range of human behavior can become inordinately fond of inanimate objects . . . especially if the product happens to come from Apple.

YOU REALLY CAN “LOVE”  YOUR IPHONE

I read all about it in the Saturday Times: how some neuroscientists call it an addiction, others love, and most agree it’s all too real. But let’s face it, whatever you call it, I could have told you about the Apple thing long ago. Like drugs, you can’t get enough. Like love, there’s no logical explanation. Yes, your beloved looks cool, performs all kinds of interesting functions, is user-friendly, and is the envy of your friends. But it goes beyond that.

Your love — or addiction, if you insist —is not rational. And this from a person who, while not exactly a Luddite, had to be strong-armed into getting a Kindle (now I love it, too), doesn’t text, forgets how to program her clock, and still doesn’t have a smart phone.

Until now.

I’ve wanted an IPhone for a long, long time, but kept procrastinating. Every time I was ready, a new model was allegedly coming out, and hell, why get the 2 when you get the 3, or the 3 when you could get the 4, and this will probably go on until we’re talking (literally) in telephone numbers. Can you just imagine the IPhone1,000,000? It will probably take the law school exam for you. And get you into Columbia.

But I cannot wait any longer. I’ve waited long enough. I want my I Phone and I want it now! Even if the slim, handsome stranger was supposed to be a 5 and turned out to be a 4S. This new phone looks the same, but “there’s more under the hood.” Faster and stronger. I’m panting with the thrill of it all.

There’s one little problem . . .

I figure there’ll be a line out of the store for several weeks, and I don’t do lines. Sigh. So I will have to wait. Just a little while longer. Meanwhile, I have my IMac to write this on, and my memories of the old Tekserve store on East 23rd Street. The new one, on the first floor, is nice enough, but the original one upstairs, was an affair to remember. You got off the elevator and entered this alternate universe of Appleheads, where you took a number, sat in unmatched chairs, and waited patiently for a nerd from central casting to take your case. Which they solved.

SEX AND THE COMPUTER?

You might remember the Sad Mac episode of SATC when Carrie’s computer crashed. Talk about Objectum sexual! There’s a poignant scene with Carrie holding on tight to the computer she had wrapped in a pashmina (what else?) sitting in TekServe with Aden glumly by her side, he being the possible cause of the crash. As it turns out, Carrie loved her Mac more than her man, and she remained faithful to it, not him, throughout a series strewn with more discarded lovers than deleted emails.

What can you say about Apple, other than it’s the one stock you’re actually glad you own?

Once you try a Mac, you’ll never go back (Personally, I’ve never tried anything else)

An Apple a day . . . (fill in the blank).

You get what you pay for. Sad, but true.

And how about your mother’s advice (unless you were Anderson Cooper):

Always wait until the right one comes along.

Well, I waited, and it’s come. With any luck, my Iphone and I will quickly become an item, and I can text and tweet the world about our happiness.

Anticipation is such a nice part of romance, don’t you think?
And I know we’ll live happily ever after. 
Or at least until they come out with the Apple5 . . .