New Year’s Irresolutions

 
Well, folks, it’s that time of year again. When you promise yourself you’ll do all those things that will allow you to become a better person and make the world safe for democracy.

Actually, it’s 14 days past that time of year, which leads me to:

Never Put Off Tomorrow What You Can Put Off Today

Resolution #1: I will not procrastinate any more. Or, as the old joke about drinking goes, I won’t procrastinate any less either. How much do I procrastinate and in what circumstances? Basically, whenever and wherever I can.  This post, which should have been done on or before January 1, is evidence enough, is it not?. Case closed.

Resolution #2: I will stop saying “Case closed.” Who am I? Perry 
F-ing Mason? I will also stop saying, “Period, end of story.” That’s a sure sign that the story will never, ever end. They never do.

Resolution #3: I will stick up for the downtrodden, such as Jacqueline Bisset, who’s getting a lot of flak for her acceptance so-called speech at the Golden Globes.

Hey! The woman is pushing 70 and they serve alcohol at that event (a heady combination), so give the woman a break. Besides, how may Golden globes have any of us won lately?

The person who should be ashamed (or shot) is her hairdresser.
Call me, Jackie, if you want to talk.

Resolution #4: I will go to the gym and work out more.  Sure I will.

Resolution #5: I will not gloat over the fate of Chris Christie even though in my heart of hearts I feel that it couldn’t have happened to a nicer person. And I sincerely hope that he, or any member of his staff, does not read this post. 
You can’t be too careful.

Resolution #6: Like most of you, I don’t wear 90% of items in my closet. So, I’ll either start wearing some of it, or throw the unused stuff out in six months and get new stuff. I see a mammoth shopping trip in my future, round about June. Anybody wanna come?

Resolution #7: I will never write anything snarky again. . .

Resolution #8: I will forget I ever even thought about Resolution #7.

The Stages of Grief

Resolution #9: I will try to get over my grief over the death of Walter White, although I don’t know exactly what stage I’m in: knowing me, probably bargaining.  I’ll do this on my own, but it would really help if Bryan Cranston would take me out to dinner, or a drink even. He’s on a stage and in acceptance. Surely, he’d feel my pain. Maybe we could invite Jackie.

Resolution #10: I will straighten out my files of ancient correspondence, abandoned projects and old tax returns or die trying. Death seems the easier course.

Resolution #11: In yet another attempt at thriftiness, and in spite of the fact that I have Kab Karma and can get a taxi where mere mortals cannot, I will take public transportation most of the time. Okay, some of the time. Okay, once.

I will definitely hop in a cab if there’s a blizzard and I have expensive theatre tickets to Kinky Boots. And am wearing kinky boots. Or if the moon is in the second power and Jupiter has aligned with Mars. I hate when that happens. Anyway, why penny pinch when I’ll be headed for the mall in June.

Resolution #12: If I am nominated for a Golden Globe or any other award, I’ll write an acceptance speech. In fact, if Jacqueline Bisset is ever nominated again, I’ll write one for her. Or for you, too, if you should need one. Promise.

HAVE A HAPPY AND REWARDING 
(EVEN IF UNAWARDED) NEW YEAR!

And for your reading pleasure, check out these related posts:

Sounds Like A Plan: The Art Of Procrastination
Breaking Up (Badly) With Walter White
Do You Believe In Karma